By Henry Cruz
Our current Commander in Chief has been calling people that look like me bad hombres. For a Nerd like me, that’s an upgrade. (I’m strongly considering tattooing bad hombre over my belly). I can also see in my future a ‘nasty woman’ belly t-shirt – and a matching pink oversized ‘bad hombre’ hat.
Here’s my manifesto for the Biden and Democratic camps – Say it plainly, say it daily: Trump doesn’t like you.
“Biden scares me less than Trump,” says my friend Keith. Keith is a registered Independent who talked me off the ledge a few times while I was struggling to make sense of all the nonsense.
During one such on-the-ledge conversation, he reminded me of something I told him once that stayed in his brain. ”Right now Trump’s on his best behavior. Imagine four more years when Trump’s unchained and goes all IDGAF (I don’t give a fuck).” This is a man who doesn’t blink when immigrant children are separated from their parent. Sure, maybe, Trump wasn’t the first President to put kids in cages, but he certainly made it into an art form. Just wait until the Alzheimer kicks in, then everything becomes a real life political witch-hunt for the old orange mama dukes.
Yeah, I’m officially voting for Joe Biden (AKA Sleepy Joe, Trumps pet name for our Joe). I need a pause from the nonstop drama queen with the orange makeup. Heck, I just need a nap. Sleepy Joe will offer many naps. I imagine Joe and I sharing the same daily nap cycle – especially during meetings and press briefings.
Franklin D. Roosevelt delivered fireside chats. Biden will deliver four full daily naps covered on CNN, MSNBC (not Fox news, since they will be too busy predicting the impending apocalypse and rising chaos resulting from these gentle nap sessions). Pretty much the problem with voting for Sleepy Joe is that you may never see him awake. He probably will never leave his basement. And right now, that makes Joe the ideal President for this moment in time.
Friends in NYC don’t do pet names. We lovingly call the current President: the idiot. (And unlike normal pets, the orange one probably needs to be neutered a few times). Trump calls himself a stable genius. Nothing stable or genius about him. He’s just a plain jane in a white house who really enjoys white lies and white supremacist.
Trumps favorite color is definitely in the white family. “You Had Very Fine People, On Both Sides,” Trump said in 2017, defending the white supremacists’ attacks in Charlottesville. That was so three years ago. Let’s give the president the benefit of the doubt and call those early days racism with a small ‘r.’ We are doing the capital letter ‘R’ now.
Forget those teeny-tiny racist dog whistles. Trump’s now blasting a 20,000 megawatts jacked up megaphone. That way, all his favorite shit hole countries can hear his every brain fart. (Trump referred to Haiti and African nations as “shithole countries.” Those were such innocent small-bigly ‘r’ racist times). Our President has gone full raw-dog with a balls-out 2020 reelection strategy of culture wars. Division. And capital ‘R’ of Racism. And coming soon to an arena near you — is the uber Hitler Racism salute. We may have to change the ‘united’ in the United States to fear-mongering states (there goes all my naps).
There’s a handful of old school Republicans praying the big guy with the fancy combover will bring us all together in 2020. We’re talking about the same kind soul that picked a fight (in between many other fights) with Muslim Gold Star parents?
At his therapy rallies in between (lock her up chants) Trump introduced America to chants of Kung Flu. Told the only black NASCAR driver to apologize. Told a Mexican judge he couldn’t judge because of his heritage. Compared peaceful protestors to a symbol of hate.
The icing on this vanilla banana split sundae we’re all sharing is the retweeting (and then deleting after sending it to his 80 million followers) of a video of old biddys fighting in golf carts down in Florida yelling out White Power in loyal support of their supreme leader: Donald J. Trump.
Yeah, sure. At age 74, our bully-in-chief could switch teams and tan creams (and suddenly start wearing normal sized ties). Campaigning on a new unifying message for all Americans (with a side order of the defense production act). Instead of the being the divider in chief he’ll try on the uniter Big D jersey on for size.
I can totally see him joining Mitt Romney in a few Black Lives Matters marches. And surely we’ll see Trump (wearing three masks to cover his face) at the televised NFL season opener. He’ll join Colin Kaepernick – both kneeling for the national anthem in solidarity to heal the country. With the Reverend Al Sharpton guiding all of us to hold hands (all of us wearing official Black Lives Matters attire) and singing “God Bless America.” It would all culminate in one big huge peace-loving hippy make out session between Republicans (if Republicans can ever learn how to french kiss) and Democrats… and normal people.
I’m so kidding (Trump doesn’t do knees, just ask Melania).
With the Presidential election right around the corner I’m ready to take a few knees myself. I’m waving my own white flag to the 30% of my fellow Latino’s expected to vote for Trump in 2020. Psst, el viejo sucio, he’s running on white resentment. In the midst of a pandemic, recession and racial reckoning; Mister Trumpo openly flirts with white supremacy. And will NOT be giving any of us a reach-around. He’s just handing out food deserts to all non-white minorities. Taking pictures with 40 cans of Goya beans is not a winning policy. Puerto Rico (the next Flint) still doesn’t have clean water.
The other old white guy is at least saying he’s more woke. And Biden wears masks.
The Democrats should rebrand Trump’s MAGA red hat slogan. Biden’s new blue cap can say something like: “he meant make America White again”
or ”Dems won’t grab you by the p*ssy” or ”real men wear masks” or “Joe might inhale.” or “Trump really has tiny hands.”
When our grandchildren write about this moment in time, they will not be kind. They will have figured out that a white power government weakens us (and climate change is probably real). The enemy isn’t other Americans.
The actor Morgan Freeman (who played another fake President and God) says the cure for racism is to “stop talking about it.” My race relations solution is more about addition: when they go low, we procreate. Let’s keep America a true biracial melting pot – that’s our best herd immunity against racism.
Henry Cruz is a writer/comedian in New York City. He majored in English at Hunter College and studied film production at the School of Visual Arts. When he’s not making up stories he really likes wearing sneakers.